Ramblings of an eccentric

(Warning: This post is way too long for the weak hearted. Enter at your own risk)

(Disclaimer: This is a work of sleep-deprivation. The writer/s have no frigging relationship to this post whatsoever. )

One day, when you have eaten something particularly indigestible, you’ll sit down for a long time and let your mind wander. If you’re lucky enough to have ignored a certain blood-pumping organ of yours for most of your life, then mark my words! For you, sir, are going to need a nice, thick magazine in your bathroom from now on. However, if you don’t fall in that particular genre and have always been unlucky, you’ll see all the people that were. Don’t let your mind wander too far for you’ll remember all the bad parts because you haven’t reminisced the good parts enough. But you’re sitting in absolute silence and all that you see is a crimson ash falling like snow. What do you do then? You start remembering.

After an absolutely preposterous and illegal amount of caffeine, I understood that it kills when the person you worry about is absolutely oblivious to it. What if someday the veil rises and you find out that you weren’t enough? Perhaps some of us have been doing it wrong all these years. We were fools to believe that all those motion pictures and all those bestselling books were true. It was our fault not to have been able to discern between reality and, well, the non-existent.

NO! I’m not going into a rant here against matters of the heart. Definitely not! (My girlfriend will publicly stone me if I do!) I’m just making an observation. We let people into our lives. Be it a friend, family or fiancée, the people we love hold the power to break, shatter and puncture our heart. Yes, we hold that power over them too. But nobody really thinks that way, do they? It’s okay. We are all a little selfish. We don’t want to change. Even if we do, we don’t want our dear ones to change. And when all of us have changed, it’s time to set fire to that house of cards we so carefully built. I’m a small-city guy with small dreams. I don’t know how it works in the big cities. I don’t know how to be ‘cool’ and get into recreational substances or recreational adultery (I do know sarcasm though!) and I certainly don’t want my friends to go that way. But then, I’m a small-city guy. What do I know about the culture and the society in the big bright cities of the world!? What do I know about independent women and the ‘players’ of this earth? Nothing, I believe. It all seems like a hazy dream to me. A dream many wouldn’t want to be in.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that life is a long game of Texas hold’em poker. You are dealt a hand and you play with it. You win some and you lose some but nobody leaves the table till a certain grim reaper is involved in the picture. I may seem slightly crazy but just think about it! All our choices and our decisions are not always right or always wrong. We travel on a sine curve, aiming towards happiness and then cascading downwards to a little misery. All the quotes and sayings about ‘not having any regrets’ seems a little bullshit at such indigestible times. After introspection and many a sleepless nights it’s pretty clear that we get screwed severely when we get a full hand of hearts. Because even if we get a straight flush, the house always wins.

But then, I’m a small-city guy. What do I know?

Unconvinced

Locked in a cage, put behind a veil,
Hidden from damage underneath a shield.
Let’s not be hurt, let the pain be removed,
Aches and butterflies all pointlessly renewed.

Let the prologue be silently burnt,
This one story does nothing but haunt.
And though from horrid depths, i spoke what was true,
I really have no idea how to convince you.

teardrop
Though the thought has been shaping for quite a while,
Enough silence has been kept, enough have i smiled.
And so for once the floodgates went berserk, went mad,
Even if it threatened to drown the only bond i had.

And as to queries of whether or not i’m sane,
I assure you I’ve never had more clarity as that moment then.
When i from painful depths, spoke what was true,
Without any idea on how to convince you.

Longing

Prolonged Silence

Terrible, loud silence fills my ears,
syllables all lost in chasms of hurt.
I wait with patience in hope of finding peace,
whilst chaos run amok in my thoughts.

silence
I play all night poker with certain questions,
answers of which have eluded me for long.
I sit with silence tearing at my ears,
as my pain searches for its swan song.

Strings

There are strings pulling me back all the time,
The hooks at their end digging deeper and deeper,
into my heart, hurting and bleeding ceaselessly,
with each falling grain in the hour-glass of life.

Delicate strings, each important, just like a bird needs wings.
Some with time, have grown into lace,
Some have been knotted up into a mess.
Too many weights to drag behind,
I snapped some strings and to them turned blind.

Numerous strings have been ruthlessly pulled out,
some of which had become too stout.
Despite all that crimson flowing out of the breaks,
Cruel hands didn’t stop to think if it was a mistake.

Some other strings I’ve held on to dearly,
Tied them back when they had snapped nearly.
And some other strings simply snapped on their own,
when the test of time had made them too worn.

Few strings always have been there, permanent and infinite.
Growing out of the heart, with no hooks in sight.
And even though all these strings have left my heart all sore,
It never stopped yearning for more.

The Last Bid

I tried to reassure that all will be fine,
tried to make you leave the past behind.
Kept the spark alive instead of all vice,
buried all my skeletons in front of your eyes.

I tried to look inside and raise you from the ash,
to reach in from outside and rescue your heart of glass.
I’ve tried to join all the pieces yet I couldn’t find,
the final piece that really made you mine.

I couldn’t make the right moves,
couldn’t bare my soul.
I’ve been walking on the edge ever since,
crumbling like a scroll.

Two worlds apart, yet never able to let go,
Sorry for the truths I could never show.
Now finally all lies bare, let all doubts be shown,
and if you are still not satisfied, then I’ll be gone.

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