Ramblings of an eccentric

(Warning: This post is way too long for the weak hearted. Enter at your own risk)

(Disclaimer: This is a work of sleep-deprivation. The writer/s have no frigging relationship to this post whatsoever. )

One day, when you have eaten something particularly indigestible, you’ll sit down for a long time and let your mind wander. If you’re lucky enough to have ignored a certain blood-pumping organ of yours for most of your life, then mark my words! For you, sir, are going to need a nice, thick magazine in your bathroom from now on. However, if you don’t fall in that particular genre and have always been unlucky, you’ll see all the people that were. Don’t let your mind wander too far for you’ll remember all the bad parts because you haven’t reminisced the good parts enough. But you’re sitting in absolute silence and all that you see is a crimson ash falling like snow. What do you do then? You start remembering.

After an absolutely preposterous and illegal amount of caffeine, I understood that it kills when the person you worry about is absolutely oblivious to it. What if someday the veil rises and you find out that you weren’t enough? Perhaps some of us have been doing it wrong all these years. We were fools to believe that all those motion pictures and all those bestselling books were true. It was our fault not to have been able to discern between reality and, well, the non-existent.

NO! I’m not going into a rant here against matters of the heart. Definitely not! (My girlfriend will publicly stone me if I do!) I’m just making an observation. We let people into our lives. Be it a friend, family or fiancée, the people we love hold the power to break, shatter and puncture our heart. Yes, we hold that power over them too. But nobody really thinks that way, do they? It’s okay. We are all a little selfish. We don’t want to change. Even if we do, we don’t want our dear ones to change. And when all of us have changed, it’s time to set fire to that house of cards we so carefully built. I’m a small-city guy with small dreams. I don’t know how it works in the big cities. I don’t know how to be ‘cool’ and get into recreational substances or recreational adultery (I do know sarcasm though!) and I certainly don’t want my friends to go that way. But then, I’m a small-city guy. What do I know about the culture and the society in the big bright cities of the world!? What do I know about independent women and the ‘players’ of this earth? Nothing, I believe. It all seems like a hazy dream to me. A dream many wouldn’t want to be in.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that life is a long game of Texas hold’em poker. You are dealt a hand and you play with it. You win some and you lose some but nobody leaves the table till a certain grim reaper is involved in the picture. I may seem slightly crazy but just think about it! All our choices and our decisions are not always right or always wrong. We travel on a sine curve, aiming towards happiness and then cascading downwards to a little misery. All the quotes and sayings about ‘not having any regrets’ seems a little bullshit at such indigestible times. After introspection and many a sleepless nights it’s pretty clear that we get screwed severely when we get a full hand of hearts. Because even if we get a straight flush, the house always wins.

But then, I’m a small-city guy. What do I know?

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Unconvinced

Locked in a cage, put behind a veil,
Hidden from damage underneath a shield.
Let’s not be hurt, let the pain be removed,
Aches and butterflies all pointlessly renewed.

Let the prologue be silently burnt,
This one story does nothing but haunt.
And though from horrid depths, i spoke what was true,
I really have no idea how to convince you.

teardrop
Though the thought has been shaping for quite a while,
Enough silence has been kept, enough have i smiled.
And so for once the floodgates went berserk, went mad,
Even if it threatened to drown the only bond i had.

And as to queries of whether or not i’m sane,
I assure you I’ve never had more clarity as that moment then.
When i from painful depths, spoke what was true,
Without any idea on how to convince you.

Longing

Paradise Lost

How unfair will it be in life’s fall,
when all prayers go unheard as miseries befall.
When the sun goes dark while you’re truly lost,
when the pain is deep and corrupting your trust,
when you look for light yet shadows surround,
and the mysteries of life still leave spellbound.
When the eve of truth shall be infested with lies,
and you know not when to believe your eyes.
When dreams are a thousand miles apart,
and you have no clue where to start.
When you lose everything on bets disbelieved,
to find out that you’ve loved enough yet haven’t lived.
The perplexed bystander, You could not move on,
staring with bloodshot eyes as others drove on.

Then shall you seek out that dream of yours,
where no vices reside outside your door.
Where the grass stays green and the sky a constant blue,
where betrayal and falsehood are topics of no clue.
Where you have no fear of being trodden upon,
where you have all your inhibitions withdrawn.
Where you succumb to your own ashes and find that,
you’re living as a myth with none to pull you back.

Paradise

Unsaid Goodbyes

Somehow the train of thoughts never ends,
of unsaid goodbyes and lost friends.
All the good times in your heart embossed,
Reminding constantly what you’ve lost.
Friends

You wish there was some better way to end,
a better way to let go of dear friends.
It pains to drift away, to crumble with time,
knowing very well that that you’ve committed a crime.

Truths get bared or masks finally fall,
or time simply pulls apart from all.
Whatever bitterness may have sprouted between two,
admit it, you miss the other person too.

bye-bye

Without a word silent rifts get made,
“Let’s give it one more try” none of them said.
And even though make new friends you will,
Unsaid goodbyes will forever hurt you still.

All That’s Left

(For the man who lost everything in the turmoil of life)

Ashes left,
of all memories, bits and pieces of you.
A new phase,
picking up myself I’ll make it through.
I see all,
in shades of black and white and mostly red.
Piercing my walls,
devastation swoops in and rips me to shreds.
Oblivious,
to my presence all through, but I take the blame.
Pretentious,
I learnt all were, all’s nothing but a game.

linkinthousandcd

I’ve stopped,
caring about the world, since I’ve none to lose.
No more to fight for,
since none came for me, when it was time to choose.
All the weight,
lifted off my shoulders, disintegrated into dust.
Shattered vows,
December promises. Yet, unbroken trust.

disintegrate