Regretting the The Road Not Taken

I have no qualms over where I have reached in life. The problem is that this life is perfect. But not perfect for me.
Hardly 25 years old and I now realise how sheltered I have been from a lot of things in this world. From so many labels. From failure. And now that I am the captain of my own ship, I feel like I am losing. Losing this invisible race that I have been running since I was born. I am now afraid of failure. I am afraid to trust my instincts and take a leap of faith. I have become the cautionary tale that poets and storytellers write about. A normal man, stuck in his monotonous life, all under the pretence of ‘stability’ and ‘security’.
I regret not taking the risks I could have. I regret following the herd for so long that the undo button of life is now out of reach. I regret not being brave enough to let myself fall and scrape my knees, maybe bruise my elbows while I am at it. I regret not listening to my own voice shouting out at me every night while I was stuck like a clockwork cuckoo.
If you are reading this, then take this from me. It’s NOT OKAY to fail. It is NECESSARY to fail. To face your fears now when you can face them and rise back. If only I had the wisdom to follow the road covered with leaves.
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Ramblings of an eccentric

(Warning: This post is way too long for the weak hearted. Enter at your own risk)

(Disclaimer: This is a work of sleep-deprivation. The writer/s have no frigging relationship to this post whatsoever. )

One day, when you have eaten something particularly indigestible, you’ll sit down for a long time and let your mind wander. If you’re lucky enough to have ignored a certain blood-pumping organ of yours for most of your life, then mark my words! For you, sir, are going to need a nice, thick magazine in your bathroom from now on. However, if you don’t fall in that particular genre and have always been unlucky, you’ll see all the people that were. Don’t let your mind wander too far for you’ll remember all the bad parts because you haven’t reminisced the good parts enough. But you’re sitting in absolute silence and all that you see is a crimson ash falling like snow. What do you do then? You start remembering.

After an absolutely preposterous and illegal amount of caffeine, I understood that it kills when the person you worry about is absolutely oblivious to it. What if someday the veil rises and you find out that you weren’t enough? Perhaps some of us have been doing it wrong all these years. We were fools to believe that all those motion pictures and all those bestselling books were true. It was our fault not to have been able to discern between reality and, well, the non-existent.

NO! I’m not going into a rant here against matters of the heart. Definitely not! (My girlfriend will publicly stone me if I do!) I’m just making an observation. We let people into our lives. Be it a friend, family or fiancée, the people we love hold the power to break, shatter and puncture our heart. Yes, we hold that power over them too. But nobody really thinks that way, do they? It’s okay. We are all a little selfish. We don’t want to change. Even if we do, we don’t want our dear ones to change. And when all of us have changed, it’s time to set fire to that house of cards we so carefully built. I’m a small-city guy with small dreams. I don’t know how it works in the big cities. I don’t know how to be ‘cool’ and get into recreational substances or recreational adultery (I do know sarcasm though!) and I certainly don’t want my friends to go that way. But then, I’m a small-city guy. What do I know about the culture and the society in the big bright cities of the world!? What do I know about independent women and the ‘players’ of this earth? Nothing, I believe. It all seems like a hazy dream to me. A dream many wouldn’t want to be in.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that life is a long game of Texas hold’em poker. You are dealt a hand and you play with it. You win some and you lose some but nobody leaves the table till a certain grim reaper is involved in the picture. I may seem slightly crazy but just think about it! All our choices and our decisions are not always right or always wrong. We travel on a sine curve, aiming towards happiness and then cascading downwards to a little misery. All the quotes and sayings about ‘not having any regrets’ seems a little bullshit at such indigestible times. After introspection and many a sleepless nights it’s pretty clear that we get screwed severely when we get a full hand of hearts. Because even if we get a straight flush, the house always wins.

But then, I’m a small-city guy. What do I know?

Sunshine

(This is about the one person who lights up your world at all times. It maybe your father, mother, brother, sister, wife, fiancée or simply a friend.)

You are in that dark desolate place inside you where you force yourself to go after it seems as if you have failed at everything. You are a bat in a cave, a mole in the earth, disgusted by light and savoring solitude. But someone makes a chink in that armour of yours which protects the pieces of your heart of glass, which keeps safe pieces of your shattered will and broken dreams. A single orifice and slowly sunshine walks in. You are blinded at first and you try to hide. But as your eyes slowly adjust to the light, you open the chink a little more. You let sunshine in to fill up the darkness left behind for reasons which you’re starting to forget. You like the light, the warmth it brings. You like how it pushes your shadows away, You know the sun is far away but you feel connected. You feel that life is once again beautiful and that you owe it to ‘sunshine’.

sunrise and thoughtssunshine

You may end up in a dark winter where the sun doesn’t pierce through for days, you may end up in the shadow of a huge eclipse. But you know that whatever might happen, the dark clouds will disperse and soon there will be a hundred days of summer. You know that the eclipse is but temporary. And when the sunshine walks in all fog will disappear, the roads ahead will be crystal clear and all will be fine. You let it fill you up with warmth and hope; you let it remind you that life is beautiful. And no matter how much your world tilts away from the sun, you know that sunshine will reach you no matter what. You let her/him be the twilight to your autumn sky, the dawn of your dark winters.

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Remember when they say that life isn’t possible without sunlight. It is true. And if you do want to label that someone just because you are that kind of person, then label them as your sunshine.

A very happy new year to everyone.

Growing Up

DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to persons dead or alive is freaky!

Note to Reader: If you think this is too long then just skip it, press the FB like button below the text and go watch season 2 of Arrow or season 7 of Big Boss on YouTube. I’m informed that they have a very good viewership.

(Personal note to Ms. Pandora, who opened the ‘Box of Troubles’: If you’re reading this then know that ‘I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.’)

growing up

Remember the text messages you used to forward during high school? “Broken toys and lost pencils are better than broken hearts and lost friends…”, “…No care in the world…” and what not. And now when I sit down and reflect upon my life a few years ago, I’m astonished at the amount of change we all have undergone.
If I surmise the experience of stepping out of the house into the real world then it all culminates down to “Growing up sucks”. Though I do feel like “To hell with this. I’m going to Narnia”, the major reason why I would want to stay a kid is I don’t want to lose the parts of me which made me a kid. I’m sure some of us still know how to have fun but some of us have faced unimaginable losses and have been through hell. Some of us have become a completely different person; some have become polar opposites of what they used to be! (And I do include the looks department in it too). But the price we’ve paid is a very big one.

I doubt if I’ve any shred of innocence left in me. Blessed are they who still retain some of it. They’re lucky people indeed. It’s as if we’ve crossed some invisible line which triggers a flurry of hard truths; nailed deep into our lives by the hammer of ‘life’. I’ve forgotten what it felt like when I used to call everyone I knew a friend. When the world wasn’t complex, when we weren’t a part of a rat race stepping over each other and pushing everyone aside hankering after the piece of cheese at the finish line; when we didn’t know the meaning of ‘bad words’. It was wonderful a life when we could be ourselves without the fear of being labeled ‘crazy’. I’ve lost the part of my life when I went to sleep every night with my parents standing watch over me. It is SURPRISING how all the bad aspects of the world were mostly hidden from us. When death and disease were such a remote concept we never understood.

Responsibility: oh how the human race… Forget race. How I used to fear this word! Yet that is not what pushes me away. It’s the busy nature of our lives, the scarcity of time, increase of distance and exponential rise in phenomena like ‘misunderstandings’, ‘loneliness’, ‘greed’, ‘selfishness’ and, the biggest and baddest one “Change” that makes me want to build a time machine. How petty seem emotions, how stony have our faces become! Unwanted worry lines have become more abundant than forced dimples. Sigh!

It is the fact that we’ve replaced “share and care” with “Each man unto himself” which scares me.

Well, to hell with this shit. I’m off to Narnia anyways.

P.S. Eat, pray, love and don’t tell your parents if you drink. (Dad, if you do read this one then know that I’m just joking.) Peace out.

FRIENDS…

Like an agnostic who just discovered that God does exist, I was overwhelmed by the revelation a single phone call presented before me today. Frankly speaking, I suck at relationships of all kind (as much as the rest of the human race, probably more). But it’s surprising how a single strand of human emotion, a single form of relation has endured centuries of sucky human beings without fail.

Finger friends
Finger friends

I am a difficult guy (probably slightly sociopathic if I believe in all the crap that Dexter Morgan says). And I know that I am perfectly capable of throwing away good friendships (having observed myself over the years like a certain detective who used to live in 221B, Baker Street). Yet it surprises me the number of people who have stuck with me over all these years. There are people whom I meet once every 5-6 months, people whom I haven’t seen in 3 years since school life ended and people I haven’t met in person till now. Yet they ARE my friends.
Yes, we fight. We get angry. But everytime it happens, both of us keep checking the phone every five seconds, secretly hoping that the other person texts “I am sorry”; and in the end we end up apologizing together. Everytime I push them away or make a mistake, I keep hoping that they would stop me. I keep hoping that they pull me back. And they do.
It doesn’t matter whether we talk once in a fortnight or once a month and there are some I haven’t talked to properly in months. Yet when my phone finds the time to give them a call or my bike finds the time to go and hang out with them, it does not matter when we had talked last. What matters is the fact that there is no resentment or anger. We know that the other person is there for us when we need them and it feels as if we were never away from each other.

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I always wished for a perfect ever-lasting friendship without any ‘terms and conditions apply’ clause. I always wanted ‘perfection’ in my friendships. But I was a fool not to have realized that those many little moments of pure unadulterated happiness I’ve gathered over the years complete my perfect little album of memories. And even though I’ve screwed up so many times, never have they left my side (except for the occasional semester breaks of course).

I’m thankful for these people in my life who have stuck with me at all times, good and bad. I’m indebted because they accept me as a jerk! I’m grateful that they took the pains to know the real me and didn’t shy away. I’m happy that I managed to touch their hearts and be an ‘okay-okay’ friend.

“So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.”
Helen Keller

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