Ramblings of an eccentric

(Warning: This post is way too long for the weak hearted. Enter at your own risk)

(Disclaimer: This is a work of sleep-deprivation. The writer/s have no frigging relationship to this post whatsoever. )

One day, when you have eaten something particularly indigestible, you’ll sit down for a long time and let your mind wander. If you’re lucky enough to have ignored a certain blood-pumping organ of yours for most of your life, then mark my words! For you, sir, are going to need a nice, thick magazine in your bathroom from now on. However, if you don’t fall in that particular genre and have always been unlucky, you’ll see all the people that were. Don’t let your mind wander too far for you’ll remember all the bad parts because you haven’t reminisced the good parts enough. But you’re sitting in absolute silence and all that you see is a crimson ash falling like snow. What do you do then? You start remembering.

After an absolutely preposterous and illegal amount of caffeine, I understood that it kills when the person you worry about is absolutely oblivious to it. What if someday the veil rises and you find out that you weren’t enough? Perhaps some of us have been doing it wrong all these years. We were fools to believe that all those motion pictures and all those bestselling books were true. It was our fault not to have been able to discern between reality and, well, the non-existent.

NO! I’m not going into a rant here against matters of the heart. Definitely not! (My girlfriend will publicly stone me if I do!) I’m just making an observation. We let people into our lives. Be it a friend, family or fiancée, the people we love hold the power to break, shatter and puncture our heart. Yes, we hold that power over them too. But nobody really thinks that way, do they? It’s okay. We are all a little selfish. We don’t want to change. Even if we do, we don’t want our dear ones to change. And when all of us have changed, it’s time to set fire to that house of cards we so carefully built. I’m a small-city guy with small dreams. I don’t know how it works in the big cities. I don’t know how to be ‘cool’ and get into recreational substances or recreational adultery (I do know sarcasm though!) and I certainly don’t want my friends to go that way. But then, I’m a small-city guy. What do I know about the culture and the society in the big bright cities of the world!? What do I know about independent women and the ‘players’ of this earth? Nothing, I believe. It all seems like a hazy dream to me. A dream many wouldn’t want to be in.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that life is a long game of Texas hold’em poker. You are dealt a hand and you play with it. You win some and you lose some but nobody leaves the table till a certain grim reaper is involved in the picture. I may seem slightly crazy but just think about it! All our choices and our decisions are not always right or always wrong. We travel on a sine curve, aiming towards happiness and then cascading downwards to a little misery. All the quotes and sayings about ‘not having any regrets’ seems a little bullshit at such indigestible times. After introspection and many a sleepless nights it’s pretty clear that we get screwed severely when we get a full hand of hearts. Because even if we get a straight flush, the house always wins.

But then, I’m a small-city guy. What do I know?

A Moment Of Imperfection

As always, there are doubts and thoughts,
and memories of certain unwanted sorts,
And I wish all that is bottled up flows out,
if only my soul could get lighter with a huge shout.

Imperfection

Pondering incessantly over all that I’ve done,
wishing there was someone to talk on the phone.
I think about all the ways I’ve been hurt,
all the times I’ve fallen face down in the dirt,
and yet haven’t said a word for so long,
never complained that I was being wronged.
Because life demands that I be a good person,
it demands actions without expectation.

So what if for once I turned humane,
years of silent suffering driving me insane,
For once am I allowed to be selfish in my mind?
Because everyone else is! How was I that blind?

And then you were there holding my hand,
kissing my forehead and trying to understand
the demons that always were inside of me,
but were invisible till you wanted to see,
And so I become who I was again,
because now you helped me through the pain,
And so in your lap, I keep my head and weep
while you caress my hair and I try to fall asleep.

Scribbled

Blinking cursor, erasing, moving back,
undo, redo, sentences and word files.
Scrambling for fresh paper now, fresh ink to start,
But all ends in scratch, scratch, scratch.

What do I write about, what do I choose,
and curse Hemmingway for saying it’s easier with booze!
A pebble I dropped in the pools of my mind,
shuffling, playing and putting memories on rewind.

Changed cities, distanced people and the twenties’ confusion,
a million fires from burning dreams laced with illusion,
do I write about love, do I write of inspiration,
do I write about who hurts me or do I jot down my frustrations?

Do I write happy stuff or do I make my words weep?
Do I write something epic or write something cheap!?
I don’t know what to write, I’m as clueless as a sheep.
So to hell with this, I’ll just go off to sleep.

Unconvinced

Locked in a cage, put behind a veil,
Hidden from damage underneath a shield.
Let’s not be hurt, let the pain be removed,
Aches and butterflies all pointlessly renewed.

Let the prologue be silently burnt,
This one story does nothing but haunt.
And though from horrid depths, i spoke what was true,
I really have no idea how to convince you.

teardrop
Though the thought has been shaping for quite a while,
Enough silence has been kept, enough have i smiled.
And so for once the floodgates went berserk, went mad,
Even if it threatened to drown the only bond i had.

And as to queries of whether or not i’m sane,
I assure you I’ve never had more clarity as that moment then.
When i from painful depths, spoke what was true,
Without any idea on how to convince you.

Longing

Escape

Too many riddles to solve,
Too many puzzles in hand,
Too much of confusion around
And yet no sign of any solution.

The pressure cooker is reaching bursting point,
And the body is starting to give away.
Heart is bleeding way too much these days,
And the silence is corroding away the flesh.

All that’s unsaid and unshared is killing from within,
And insecure thoughts are damaging the metabolism.
Reality is breaking the body bone by bone,
And yet lips are sewn tight by threads of ego.

All strings attached are getting muddled up,
Can’t decide whether to cut them away or untangle them.
Unreturned echoes are driving the brain crazy,
and unfair situations are shattering the will power.

Responsibilities seem no less than taming a dragon,
Duties seem like searching for a desert oasis to avoid death.
Finding an escape route seems the only logical thing to do,
Unless there’s already some other way out.

Sleep pattern is becoming insomniac,
Appetite lost amidst all this madness.
Temper hidden just like the captured Titans,
Ready to burst unawares on an unsuspecting someone.

World now looks a shade of just black and white,
Sprinkled with the occasional shades of grey.
Bricks crumbling at the touch of decaying hands,
And earth turning parched at every new step.

Legs walking towards unending darkness without choice,
Shreds of light falling down and crumbling to ashes.
With pin drop silence engulfing all senses with the disappearing light,
It’s time to find a way to escape.

Chaotic World

Miracle performed, a new life born,
The result of a biological marathon.
God’s angels is what the scriptures spell,
Yet a fairy is thought a shame.
But even before the eyes open to light,
The little bud is nipped by the civilized.

The little bird yet to spread its wings,
Hides behind the door, afraid of the gloom.
Watching with teary eyes and a lot of confusion,
Raised voices of the world’s most loving persons.
Tears speaking out the unsaid words,
The little heart wondering if he’s the reason.

Textbooks and lunch boxes take over the universe,
Friendship discovered a million smiles.
Little secrets and bigger dreams with infinite hope,
All shared under the biggest tree’s shade.
Yet for some reason unknown, the string breaks,
And “Buddy” leaves without a second glance or a second chance.

Teenage love with a thousand thrills,
Looks that intoxicate and smiles that kill.
The heart is a fool, leads without thought,
And then is shattered under those beautiful heels.
Wishing friendship would go to the next level,
Yet smiling while seeing love in stranger hands.

Eyes filled with so many dreams and hopes,
All crushed under the weight of responsibility and duty.
Unheard pleas and requests building up disappointment,
And life suddenly seems a cage of unreasonable thinking.
Prejudiced thinking passed off as tradition,
And second hand dreams are sold off as your own.

A helpless victim is being smashed to pulp,
Yet we stand as spectators without emotion.
Helplessness hidden behind stony eyes,
And all guilt suppressed with fear for life.
Cries of shame come out in the middle of the night,
Putting up questions on humanity and compassion.

Your unconditional lovers, the givers of your life,
Withering with time, ask for a bit of the love to be returned.
Yet their request is greeted with ungracious words,
From their shameless offspring with no regrets.
Uncared souls curse with tears of blood,
Blessings undone to spell the same fate for you.

How hypocritical in a world we live in,
Yet talk of hope, faith and love!
When the dark comes with a disappearing red,
All words of the day are forgotten for good.
This lie is our truth I guess,
The summary of our chaotic world.